Awhile back I found myself wandering around a craft store looking for white paint my boss had sent me out to buy. Well between you and i, he sent the wrong employee because I took any detour I could on my way to the paint aisle to admire every home good possible. When I had eventually picked out an overly priced white paint, and started to trail my way back across the store to the checkout, I glanced behind me once more to feverishly gawk over endless amounts of homely items. Just when I looked away, my right eye caught a glimpse of a simple white frame that held a print reading “guide me in your truth” psalm 25:5 (NIV). If I hadn’t known any better I would’ve thought I made it myself. Something about this particular print entertained my eyes. the frame and print itself were white, the letters, brown and imperfectly brushed across the canvas. Beneath the verse, was a drawing that resembled a deer head. The brown antlers perfectly framed the verse, letting the letters rest between them. Following the two antlers towards the middle, was not a deer head, but an assortment of pastel flowers; blue, pink, and purple sprouting vibrantly and releasing chalky green leaves amongst the outside of the petals. The canvas attracted me, but I quickly lost interest when I realized my manager was bound to get worried if I didn’t return soon.
The upcoming week was routine, but the gray walls above my bed begged for company. The canvas was all I could think about, when I drove, when I walked, when I worked, my eyes begged me every day and it was terribly cheap, so my mind gave in and my wallet agreed. I returned to the craft store, this time, less interested in the vast amount of things within it and determined to find my print. That’s exactly what I did, and with one left, I handed over cash knowing I would sleep satisfied that night. I liked the simplicity the print held, the sketched flowers entwined within the antlers, and to be honest I could’ve cared less about the verse that hung above it, I understood it, yes, but its meaning was empty. That is, until recently it now hangs a year later, above a different bed, in a white walled apartment I call my home.
Recently, I left my gray walls and squeaky stairs to pursue a chapter of my life I have titled my own. I was sad to leave, and some days it feels as if my heart is breaking inside my chest. I have left home. My family. My friends. My favorite coffee shop. My favorite tree to read under on fall mornings. My favorite Fro-yo spot.My home. I left, and I know I don’t belong there, at least not right now. So why does it hurt so much to leave the places that build who we are?
I don’t have an answer for that, but I do know we are always called for more. I told a good friend recently that I keep feeling that God is calling me to something greater than my eyes can see in the present. I’ve been feeling like an idiot, playing scenarios in my head of where I want to be, and it’s nowhere near the career path or life I am on now. I dream of a bigger dream, and I don’t know how to pursue that. After this recent conversation followed up by reading The Shack By William Paul Young, I have realized what we need, is to utilize what God has given us NOW. There is a reason God has put us in certain situations, have broken us in a hundred ways and back, and sewn specific passions in our hearts. He is leading us somewhere. He is always leading us somewhere. I have earned a lot from God, he has given me a lot, and i have accepted a lot. He has taught me that being strong is to love someone in silent, to radiate happiness when we are unhappy, to forgive someone who does now deserve forgiveness, to stay calm in despair, be joyous in darkness, to smile after crying, to mend another’s heart when our own is broken, to be silent in anger, to comfort despite not being comforted. That’s a lot of lessons, but one I have ignored is to trust in the fear of losing security.
Trust has always been hard for me, ask anyone in my life and I’m sure you’ll experience some major eye rolls and a few nervous laughs. Sorry.
In The Shack, Young talks about trust and trusting our Lord beyond our measures in the midst of pain, doubt, and confusion. I’ve always felt a great need to put security before anything, including my faith. Taking care of her and him, then me. Adding up all the ways I can place better and secure into my life or someone else’s. Keeping my faith strong yet quiet. There is a lot going on in my life right now, in the midst of everything I’m starting to grasp something authentically important. A weak person who is secured in the love, favor, goodness, and faithfulness of her God, will be able to face anything. She does not run away because in every battle, every exam, every drive, every deadline, and every lack, she knows that her god will make a way to the path he wants her to be on.He will provide for her path. Even with a lot happening, even when it’s overwhelming, she knows god is in it all, moving.
So I’m here, working two jobs, going to school, and abandoning the loud parts of my faith. The parts God desperately wants me to seek, to love amongst others, and write in coffee shops again; not 12am after a busy day. I’m here with a print that hangs above me as I rest that reads “guide me in your truth.” and the attraction that danced among my eyes finally made its way to my heart. I’m finally learning to rest amongst the trust of a God I don’t fully understand. To leave the parts of my life that gift me security but theive my happiness. He puts words, actions, and prints from crafts stores in our lives only for us to find a greater meaning, even if it is reading a book amongst his truth a year later.Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you, trust him because happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in right now.
I’m dedicating this to everyone who needs a prayer for a bold heart and to let God move crazy scary things into their life, because if we cannot trust, he cannot work.
Love yesterday, today, and Always.
wrecked. 