Start Where You are

If you have your driver’s license, go to school, or have a job, hopping into the driver’s seat of a car is part of your everyday life. Somewhere between being sixteen, aware of the smallest bump in the road, and twenty, speeding because you’re late to work, being behind the driver’s wheel becomes nothing more than comfortable. Despite our caution and skills, It seems like every driver has experienced a moment where they are reminded driving isn’t supposed to feel comfortable, and you aren’t the only one on the road. That one car that doesn’t stop at the stop light, the boy who’s texting and drifts into your lane, or the girl who unthoughtfully weaves in and out of traffic. Maybe you’ve been that person, or maybe you’re the one who swerved off the road and slammed your brakes in an effort to stop the collision. Either way, those are the moments we’ve all had, pulled over on the side of the road with fast heartbeats and shallow breath, thanking god that you are okay and safe, and eventually, getting back into the lane, driving towards where you wanted to go.

Sunshine Sam

In the darkest of hours, it’s the smallest things we beg for; A dragging cold, a surprise car repair, Hot coffee spilled on our laps in the car, it’s the really terrible things that get us talking to a God we muted, asking him to bring back the little horrors. Ive talked to dozens of people lately, all riddled by pain and emotionally stripped by the stress attacking in each of their lives. Im starting to think everyone seems to be constantly going through a dark hour, im constantly going through a dark hour, or my presence alone attract dark hours, but If you ask me, I think ive figured out the darkness that burdens my life and others pretty well…at least id hope so for the sake of the amount I’ve had to handle.

Lifted

I have been a prisoner to the weight of pain.
I could point to the exact spot on my chest the weight of pain hangs heaviest. If I trace my finger above my collarbone and past my sternum, the weight lies just below it, in the center, between the cage that holds my insides together. The weight was heavier when I took a breath, almost as if it had slowly shifted and squeezed its way among the mess of organs keeping me alive. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. I didn’t know what to do with it, or how to get it out; it had been imprisoned. Chained among the veins and tied around the flesh I called myself.
It was among the kindest people who lifted this weight. People who bravely reached for the deepest, bloodiest, and heaviest parts of me. Who gently untangled my veins just to see me breathe again. It was those people who showed me there are beautiful feelings too. The smile among a barista who make your cappuccino, a date on the floor in a t-shirt eating pizza, the small nudge of a friend when she catches a boy staring at you, a long car ride with all the very best songs, a sticky note left behind by a friend written ” I miss you everyday!”. Yes, the darkness is valid, but it doesn’t get to win.

This Is To The Girl Who Fears To Be Vulnerable

It was 2:30 AM and I couldn’t sleep, I knew by the chill of my window it was cold outside but after waking up to a terrifying nightmare, cool air spilling onto my skin sounded more than refreshing.  I slid open the door leading to the deck of my apartment and stepped out, letting the wind immediately caress any exposed skin it could reach. For minutes that felt like hours, I watched my breath create a whole sky of clouds that quickly disappeared, each one reminding me nightmares aren’t real, you are here, you are okay. I quickly changed my gaze to the sky resting above me and watched the stars guard the earth. That was the moment I let my mind wander, allowing it to question the nightmares I’ve lived with for so long as if my heart was asking my mind why it won’t let them leave. I shivered, uncertain if the cold finally hit or the thought just scared me, then I wandered back inside leaving the door open behind me. I warmed a cup of tea; grabbed a pen, notebook, and the largest blanket I had and headed back outside. I have always been this way with nightmares after waking from them, leaving the room they were made in as if I had to let the nightmare collect its things. I had always felt if I left them, maybe they wouldn’t return, but they always stay the night anyway. I sat outside and admired the night, I’ve learned to appreciate the stars, they make me feel safe.  There is something incredible about sitting under a sky full of lights not made by man but only touched by God, feeling as if these stars guard more than just their sky, but everything that sits beneath them. I sat there for a while unsure of what I wanted to write, It was 3:18am and I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote 3 letters full of things I wish I could say and addressed them to the people I longed to have the bravery to tell. After a while, the stars started to dim, my body got cold, and my hand started to shake, I sealed the letters and stored them away wondering if I’d ever find the courage to find those people and give them away. It was around dawn when I sleepily crawled back into bed and had forgot completely about my nightmares.

Making Mercy

You know the saying “the little things in life mean the most”? Recently I’ve been meditating on how much truth that phrase holds. I got in my car at 6:00am to start what I knew would be a dreadingly long day. Class, job number one, job number two, gym, homework, and then maybe a little sleep if I was lucky. On this routine morning, the first thing I did as I slid into the warm seat of my car was smile, something a little less routine. I smiled at the cleanliness of the car and the preset radio stations. I smiled because the neatness and organization among my car seemed far from the messiness and business of my life.  This cleanliness was a leftover reminder of the past weekend; my good friend Emma had stayed with me at my apartment for her birthday. We had both recently moved from our hometown to a small college town, but she lives in a dorm room and understandably wanted to get away, and it took me by surprise when she chose to stay with me.

The Trust Above Me

Awhile back I found myself wandering around a craft store looking for white paint my boss had sent me out to buy. Well between you and i, he sent the wrong employee because I took any detour I could on my way to the paint aisle to admire every home good possible. When I had eventually picked out an overly priced white paint, and started to trail my way back across the store to the checkout, I glanced behind me once more to feverishly gawk over endless amounts of homely items. Just when I looked away, my right eye caught a glimpse of  a simple white frame that held a print reading “guide me in your truth” psalm 25:5 (NIV).

In Time

We have all had moments in our lives when we think “its not supposed to end this way.”

Begging YOU for Mercy

Everyday i wake up with tired eyes, messy hair, and an agenda named chaos. Okay mo-put your hair up in a bun, drink some coffee, and handle it- thats the motto, and exactly what i do. Lately the third part of “the motto” hasnt been so easy,because  the last time i checked “handling it” doesnt involve crying at least 3 times a day simply over a lost protein bar…well at least not handling it well. But thats OKAY, sometimes we just have too “handle it” with long days, lots of tears, and way too much coffee, give into handling things our way, not the way the world wants us too, because lets be honest, protein bars are EXPENSIVE!

Privledge.

“He is kind, polite, and down to earth; and its lovely, but he could never understand someone like me. i come from pain and he comes from privledge, and that is enough to turn him away. I want to save him from the wars inside my head.” October Twenty First, Two thousand and fifteen.

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Drop Everything and Run

A few weeks back I had been driving around the unfamiliar streets of the town I have been calling home the past two months. Windows rolled down, music turned up, and GPS on alert because, yes, I still have no idea where I am going. Ever since I showed up in this small city, everything has felt so fast. From the moment I dropped my little blue couch off in the middle of my new apartment, I’ve hardly had time to sit in it. go,go,go– Go to work, go to school, go to work, go to school, that’s how life’s been, between having two jobs, keeping my workouts in check, and being a full time student, I think I have set a record for how many times someone can change in a public bathroom per day.